here i am blogging encessantly about nothing again.

what the hell is wrong with me?

the one who has loved since the day we met seems to suffer from lack of interest now. just my fucking luck huh?

i was reading my old blog entries just now, my how i have changed in such a short time!

i miss old love, the kind you can depend on day after day.

i am stuck now in this sort of bipolar love. it is strange. have i forgotten how to truly open up? i find myself shielding even the most simple things from my love. for fear of embarassment. or rejection. or him realizing he is just not that into me! why is it that i can walk around naked all day every day, but when it comes to my love, i am embarassed to even take my shirt off??? what the hell? i i finally changed shirts in front of him the other day, and i swear to god i blushed as i felt his cold gaze on my breasts. my breasts. something he has lusted over for 4 years. and i finally gave him a peek. i am afraid that if i reveal too much i will have no more mystery and he will lose interest. after all, that has happened in my last 2 relationships.

i spent the night with him. for the second time in our 4 year love affair. at least i was able to sleep this time. i could feel him staring at my panty line, where my black panties were peeking over the top of my pajama pants. i know he wanted to touch me, to be affectionate, after all, he finally had me to himself. but i just knew he would not make the first move. not only that, but i found myself trying to convince my eager mind that i was not even interested in him. of course i am? am i crazy? i could have had him right then and there. and if had been anyone else, i would have. what is going on here? maybe he is my one true soulmate, and that is why things are so much harder for us.

ever since that one night 3 years ago. it was magical, i swear it was. i was wearing a hot, thin turquiose shirt, with jeans and about 50lbs lighter. my tan vintage steve madden pumps. i felt absolutely gorgeous that night. i dont know why. i think he was making me feel that way. finally, after putting it off all night, we snuck around the corner and started making out. i stood on my tiptoes for like an hour reaching up to him! our friends, or rather his friends, were plastered to the window watching the hot action, but i was too drunk to care.  and having way to much fun! oh my god that was the hottest thing i have ever done in my life. he kept sliding his hand up under my shirt, and i, embarrassed, kept pulling it back down. he rubbed against me in a way i have never been touched before, and made me feel every movement down to the edge of my toes. i felt him as well, taking in a man of a size i have never been intimate with before. and more. and more. i think i was biting his lip too. it was so hott. it was way better than sex. i remember whispering in his ear that if there were not so  many people around i would take him around back right then and there. and finally, we stopped. i swear breland came out there like 5 or 6 times being nosy. and then we just hung out on the porch. i laid my head in his lap and we talked about random bullshit and how we can make each other hotter than ever. i have never felt anything like that again.

and then, another time. outside yet again. i dont even remember starting to make out. i just told him that i needed to make sure i did not still care about him, and i def.do. all i remember is making out and crawling on top of him. straddling him with tight jeans and a bulge in his pants, and us almost tipping the bench over. and then, someone came out, i was so drunk that i swear it took me two whole minutes to crawl off of him. haha. and people were flooding out the door by that time. i know they saw. maybe that is what makes it so hot for us. the voyeur in us. i have no idea. but isnt it funny that we are so attracted to each other yet have never had sex nor seen each other naked? we are so wierd.

ahh the single life. i am supposed to be staying with him tomorrow. i am thinking we will be getting drunk too. good times.