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old lonely blog here i am blogging encessantly about nothing again. what the hell is wrong with me? the one who has loved since the day we met seems to suffer from lack of interest now. just my fucking luck huh? i was reading my old blog entries just now, my how i have changed in such a short time! i miss old love, the kind you can depend on day after day. i am stuck now in this sort of bipolar love. it is strange. have i forgotten how to truly open up? i find myself shielding even the most simple things from my love. for fear of embarassment. or rejection. or him realizing he is just not that into me! why is it that i can walk around naked all day every day, but when it comes to my love, i am embarassed to even take my shirt off??? what the hell? i i finally changed shirts in front of him the other day, and i swear to god i blushed as i felt his cold gaze on my breasts. my breasts. something he has lusted over for 4 years. and i finally gave him a peek. i am afraid that if i reveal too much i will have no more mystery and he will lose interest. after all, that has happened in my last 2 relationships.
i spent the night with him. for the second time in our 4 year love affair. at least i was able to sleep this time. i could feel him staring at my panty line, where my black panties were peeking over the top of my pajama pants. i know he wanted to touch me, to be affectionate, after all, he finally had me to himself. but i just knew he would not make the first move. not only that, but i found myself trying to convince my eager mind that i was not even interested in him. of course i am? am i crazy? i could have had him right then and there. and if had been anyone else, i would have. what is going on here? maybe he is my one true soulmate, and that is why things are so much harder for us.
ever since that one night 3 years ago. it was magical, i swear it was. i was wearing a hot, thin turquiose shirt, with jeans and about 50lbs lighter. my tan vintage steve madden pumps. i felt absolutely gorgeous that night. i dont know why. i think he was making me feel that way. finally, after putting it off all night, we snuck around the corner and started making out. i stood on my tiptoes for like an hour reaching up to him! our friends, or rather his friends, were plastered to the window watching the hot action, but i was too drunk to care. and having way to much fun! oh my god that was the hottest thing i have ever done in my life. he kept sliding his hand up under my shirt, and i, embarrassed, kept pulling it back down. he rubbed against me in a way i have never been touched before, and made me feel every movement down to the edge of my toes. i felt him as well, taking in a man of a size i have never been intimate with before. and more. and more. i think i was biting his lip too. it was so hott. it was way better than sex. i remember whispering in his ear that if there were not so many people around i would take him around back right then and there. and finally, we stopped. i swear breland came out there like 5 or 6 times being nosy. and then we just hung out on the porch. i laid my head in his lap and we talked about random bullshit and how we can make each other hotter than ever. i have never felt anything like that again. and then, another time. outside yet again. i dont even remember starting to make out. i just told him that i needed to make sure i did not still care about him, and i def.do. all i remember is making out and crawling on top of him. straddling him with tight jeans and a bulge in his pants, and us almost tipping the bench over. and then, someone came out, i was so drunk that i swear it took me two whole minutes to crawl off of him. haha. and people were flooding out the door by that time. i know they saw. maybe that is what makes it so hot for us. the voyeur in us. i have no idea. but isnt it funny that we are so attracted to each other yet have never had sex nor seen each other naked? we are so wierd.
ahh the single life. i am supposed to be staying with him tomorrow. i am thinking we will be getting drunk too. good times.
Have you seen my sheep???? hi guys. how is everyone? i am good. thinking about quitting my job because of the crappy treatment i am receiving. anyway, life is good, stress free for the most part. i have been stressing a bit over my art hist class, dr joyce is a really hard teacher. i am doing super super well on my art projects though. adam says he loves them but i am not sure if he is just saying that or not. speaking of adam, he has been extremely antisocial lately and it is beginning to bug me. i love him, but i feel tied down and obligated. i understand that is what happens when you are in a relationship, but it is really starting to get to me. i do not know what to do. if i talk to him about it, he gets mean, so i do not know. mamselles is going great minus a few administrative problems and some harsh criticism. we have absolutely precious pledges who have bonded very very well. anyways, outie 5000
trapped... so i went to georgia this weekend and sorta got trapped there. the hurricane came and so i had to stay sunday and monday night even though we really could not afford it. it was super super fun though. i love going up there b/c it is like a mini vacation from everything for me. we found this excellent mexican restaraunt too. mmmmm. we got really lost on the way up there though b/c i was not paying attention and missed my exit, so we ended up somewhere in the nothern part of alabama. funny thing though, the place was beautiful. lakes and valleys and stuff. neato cheato. so i am back now. one thing i do hate though is that even when i try to relax i cant fully b/c all i can think about is what i have to do when i am done relaxing. hurmph. for some reason i feel rejuvenated. its great. last week was super super busy, but i am beginning to develop several time management skills, so thats good. i think i was actually productive for 85% of my time last week, which is more than i can say for, well, my whole life really. yay. i am super super exited about the business to come!! that is really strange for me though, b/c usually i dread having tons to do. i love all my classes this semester though, and that helps alot! anyway, the hurricane has knocked a tree down in our backyard so our parking is limited to the street now. that is not good. i am always afraid someone will like sideswipe me in the middle of the night or something. hehe. so my mom (who, for those of you who do not know has a mental condition) stopped by my house while i was in georgia. apparently she sat on our couch for an hour running her smart little mouth until gravy got sick of it and cussed her out. now granted she was probably being annoying, but DID IT MAKE THE SITUATION ANY BETTER TO BE A FUCKING SMART-ASS TO HER????? NO. so now i am scared to find out what that triggered in her head. wish me luck. gravy is such a walking penis sometimes. thats right, i said walking penis, b/c when i think of him i conjure up images of a 4 ft (b/c he is short) penis walking down the sidewalk........ peace out homies.
stuff stuff and more stuff i have been a very busy but happy girl as of late... adam came home for a whole week last week. we went up to georgia yesterday and spent the night (we rented the jacuzzi suite :) ) then i had to leave him today. it was sad. i love him so much its almost unbelievable, and i know thats really cheesy but i do. we went shopping today because i am redoing my room and putting my old crappy stuff up for sale. i am going to do it in baby blue and chocolate and tan browns because i think i have finally grown out of my hot pink and lime green days. tomorrow is the tupelo furniture market for work so that will be fun. i am going on wed. too. then thurs school starts and work on thurs, fri, sat so i am going to be busy busy busy. for some reason i just cant get excited about going back to school like i usually do. its like i dont really fit in there anymore, or maybe that i just dont want to fit in. i dont know. somethings missing. i cant seem to motivate myself about mamselles either which is not good at all considering that i am president. im gonna go see stacy now, i miss her. she moved out and now kate the whiny liar has moved in. she put a deadbolt on her bedroom door. i find it funny that she doesnt trust people considering that she is the dishonest one. haylie
A good deed... today i cleaned out my closet to make room for some of adams stuff. i got rid of some pants i have that dont fit right, several pajama pants, and some purses and bras. i went to the salvation army to donate them tonight and when i pulled up there was a car there. i got out anyway and noticed that there was a woman digging through the piles of donations. she was about my size so i told her that i had a bag full of stuff she could wear. she was so happy to have them that it made me feel really good to give them to her and know that i am blesses with so much nice stuff and that someone else was able to truly benifit from those items. it made me feel really good. :) adam left today. hopefully he will be back for good this friday. mom had her toe amputated and yada yada yada and needless to say she is not at the moment a very happy camper. in fact, she is more like a nightmare camper. anyway, she should hopefully (but not at the same time) be coming home sometime this week so she can limp around the house and complain alot. i know it sounds like i am being insensitive but you guys have no real idea of who we are talking about here. she even had the nerve to tell me that i should refuse the car my grandmother is giving me. she just cant stand the thought of me having a car and her not being able to control me through it anymore. more later haylie oh i fixed the link below of the images of my moms toe. see, i wasnt lying when i said it was bad. and yeah. that white stuff you see is bone. its the joint and she could bend it down and you could see inside the joint. cool huh? oh a funny note about an awful situation: after ampuatation mom said it looks like a short fat christmas tree b/c there are big black stitches all the way around. ewww
doctors and miracles so my mom is in the hospital. she has been there since last wednesday, eleven days ago. she had her toe amputated b/c she hurt it. its pretty f'in gross man. we went up there last night and spent the night. shes pretty sad. link below to pictures of her toe before it was amputated. *Caution disturbing images* a good note i finally got a car of my very own!!!! i am so very excited about this that i just dont know what to do with myself! its a green toyota camry that was my grandmothers (the one that is in arkansas) she is even gonna pay the insurance on it for a whole year. whoo doggy! ok im outie me and adam are going to eat dinner with keri
peanut butter twist i am bored. i cant sleep. maybe b/c i took a 3 hour nap today and have absolutely nothing to do tomorrow, or maybe because i have incessant visions about creative projects that i can do. sudden spark of creativity. maybe not so much a spark, but i seem to have knocked off the creative block that my mind has been suffering. i have been on a furniture kick as of late. i bought this cool writing desk at work with spindle type legs that was this ugly brown color. i primed it and painted it black with metallic silver accents and came back and sanded it down in places to make it look antique. then i took a lacy wierd indian looking kind of motif and stenciled it on to the drawer front and top of the desk. i then refinished the bronze hardware and gave it a grey metallic finish. the hardware design goes perfectly with the stenciling pattern. i am now going to start on a matching chair so that it will be a 2 piece set and then i am thinking about reselling it. i could probably sell it at work for at least 100 dollars. it turned out much better then i expected. my next project: i found an old square nightstand with elaborate molding and some 3ft tall queen anne legs. the nightstand didnt have any drawers, so i knocked out the divider and put a door on it. i found these old woodwork swirly things and am going to put a few on the door to make it look hand carved and then refinish it with robin's egg blue underneath and milky white on the top and then sand through to the blue and in some spots sand all the way to the wood. it will look like an antique cupboard and i am very excited about it. it would also make a great bathroom cabinet. i am even thinking of possibly knocking out the door insert and putting in a coordinating fabric curtain in a sheer bronze to pull together the earthtone of the sanded down wood. my boss gave me some beautiful stencils of flowers, so i am going to experiment with those and make prints to hang on the wall. we have many different types of molding and odd glass at work, so i am going to construct my own picture frames and hang them using ribbon to coordinate with the stencil paints. i am also becoming interested in glasswork, and after attending the spoleto festival (which was amazing) while in charleston, i am going to do more research on how to do this kind of work. apparently with the right tools it isnt that difficult. i bought some wicker chairs to go on the porch from work and they have these cushions that are fabric so i am going to paint one of the chairs an orangey red color and the other either lime green or classic blue then on the chair cushions take silver paint and do the indian stencil motif on them. then i just need to come up with a side table to put in between the two chairs to pull the look together. adam left today. i am not going to see him for 3 more weeks because i will be going to florida sat night and not coming back until the third. then it will be almost time for school to start so i will be super busy preparing to be president and stuff. and adam is almost done being discharged from the army so he can come live here and help pay the rent. cant wait. stencil pattern here. this one is kinda like the one i used, but mine is more intricate. haylie
Mom, I'm gay.... i sometimes wonder what my parents' reaction would be if i told them i was gay. not that i am, im quite content with my boyfriend at the moment, but i have been reading and thinking alot about parents' reactions to this sort of thing. i read about this kid zach (16), whose parents found out he was gay and was sent to an anti-gay christian camp in memphis. i cannot even believe places like this exist. it sounds so old fashioned. of course the baptists were behind the idea. they try to teach you that being gay is wrong by using Bible verses to prove that it is a sin. i just think that the each verse in the Bible can be interpreted and applied many different ways, and sometimes i interpret it way differently then others. it seems to be a bit twisted by certain religious groups sometimes. why do parents think they can just force their children into being strait and being sexually attracted to members of the opposite sex? you cant just lock a teenager in a Bible camp and force religion on him and expect that to "fix" him. maybe there was nothing wrong with him in the first place. it just seems so absurd. i have this one friend who is gay. and he came out to his parents and they are fine with it. they have encouraged him to be different his whole life, so they are very accepting when it comes to his sexuality. i have another gay friend though who lives in constant fear of people finding out he is gay. it is almost rediculous. instead of coming out with it and being able to be himself, he hides this and stays very unhappy about the situation. i have another really close friend whose mate recently broke it off with him because his parents found out he was gay and made him break up with his mate. the whole gay thing just seems to be blown out of proportion by parents and others. peace/haylie
Fun Stuff ok. here it is. the much anticipated and long overdue update. -adam has been here since early june. he is at home for a few days right now. last week i went and -mom went off to thailand with my brother for a month for a breast lift and face lift. sometimes i really -adam is leaving july 8th to go back to the stupid army. i dont know what i will do without him. -i am going to florida at the end of the month. my granny is coming down at the same time i am. -mom has been terrorizing me pretty badly lately. ugggh. -saw batman begins and mr/mrs smith. both excellent. -adam got me new coldplay cd. it is exactly the same as all their other cds.
Hi everyone! hope everyone is well. exams are stressful and yada yada yada. had one this morning then moved stuff all day. i have way too much stuff. anyway, the apartment looks good, finally figured out how to properly clean wood floors (with murphy's oil soap.) they look much better now. so my cell phone bill is $250 and i cant pay it. it sucks. boo.
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